


Bitter Sweet

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-13
Updated: 2004-05-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:03:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Filler between episodes 218 and 219.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I came home so late, it was a little after 3am. By the time Ethan and I were done exploring each other I was so tired I closed my eyes for just a second and awoke in a post-3am haze. It was horrible, stumbling around to get dressed, trying not to wake him. I slipped out of the apartment and down on to the street, the cold air freezing the tears on my face. What the fuck have I done? I have no idea really. I don’t know what I want this to mean. I don’t know what I want to do. I love Brian, I really love him. I thought he was all I ever wanted. And then Ethan came along. And he’s more and he’s less and he’s different in wonderful ways. I can’t even compare them in my mind. Weigh the pros and cons against each other. There’s no way to calculate what’s right or wrong, so I’m stumbling through this probably making all the wrong decisions.

***********************

It’s nearly sunrise now, hours of sleep behind me; I feel his hand slip into mine. I open my eyes just a little; the first light of day filling the loft with an eerie orange glow that makes his skin look otherworldly. He smiles just a little and pulls me with him. Watching him very intently I stand up and wait to see what he's doing. His eyes are heavy with sleep and lust. I know why he's woken me up; he's done it before. But I wish he wasn't doing it this morning. Not THIS morning. I have a fleeting thought of the shower I took when I got home, I am grateful for that decision now. More than I thought I ever would be. He sucks his lips into his mouth and takes a condom from the bedside table and then leads me over to the large expanse of windows on the east side of the loft. We pass his white Italian furniture, I think about how different it is from a free couch found in an alley way. These things remind me of where I was last night, what I did last night. Ethan’s life is so many miles from this one. Found furniture and street corner violin playing. It is all at once romantic and noble and amazing.

Without words he turns me to face the window. The morning is so quiet and new. I breathe a sigh of pleasure at what's to come, followed by one of guilt for what I’ve done to us. It’s a new day, but unlike all of the others before it, this one is tainted. Usually new days with Brian and I are fresh and clean, but this one feels stained to me. And I want so badly for it to be new. I want to start over. But so much has been said and not been said and so much has been done and not been done. The buildup was inevitable I suppose, but I wish so hard that it wasn't. I have to choke back tears. Luckily, with my back to him, he has no idea that my face is twisted with guilt and sorrow instead of passion and anticipation.

I see the fireball peeking over the horizon from here. With the whole world asleep in the minutes just before dawn things should be peaceful, simple, beautiful. He wants them to be. He doesn’t know where I was until 3am. I'm not going to tell him. All he wants now is me. And truthfully, all I want is him. It's all I've ever wanted. I just wish he could actually give himself to me. He never will. I know that now. He'll never be what I need him to be, and I can't ask for more than he's given. For more than he is.

This is a love story I didn't want to ever end. But, what I want and what I need are now two very different things. But, how can I possibly say goodbye? How can I leave this behind? I've loved him more than anything on earth for so long. I remember when he was the only thing in my life that mattered. The only person I could turn to. The only person who understood me. Can I walk away from the greatest love I'll ever know? Is self-preservation worth the pain I will cause us both?

The questions fill my head and swirl in my mind, mixing and turning and blending and hurting. I have no idea what to do or say. For now I’ll stay silent. I will do what I know I can. I’ll let Brian love me the way he knows how. I’ll enjoy this because I won’t have this forever; this loft, this love, this relationship, this life. 

Right now there isn't any other place I'd rather be than here in his arms. His lips on my neck, arms encircling me. The time to speak has come and gone. I need him now. I want him now. I arch my back into him and hum a little. Want him to know I'm happy he woke me up for this. Because I truly am. Sleeping with Ethan didn’t make me love Brian less; maybe it made me love him more. I’m torn and scared and worried about what will happen to each of our hearts. Mine has been aching for a long time and maybe knowing that I am finally doing something to mend it makes me more tender toward him.

I turn to face him and take his head in my hands. I kiss him sweetly and then more deeply. He responds by pushing me back into the window to gain some leverage and then torturing me with his tongue. I do have to admit that no one kisses better than Brian, no one. His tongue quickly weaves it way around my tongue and over my cheeks and across my teeth. It gives and takes and delves in and out. I could kiss Brian forever and never need another thing from him physically. Well, that probably isn’t true, but it seems that way at the moment.

I feel his cock stiffen against my belly where it’s rubbing as we undulate and kiss and grope and knead at one another. He starts to trail kisses down my neck and across my collarbone and then he reaches a nipple and snakes his tongue around it. I gasp and push back hard against the window for support. I hope it will hold up to the weight of our bodies.

“Fuck me,” I hiss through clenched teeth and his head jerks up to look at me. A sly smile spreads across his face and he abruptly grabs my waist and spins me back around to face the window. Spreading my legs apart a little he reaches in front of me and pulls back the white curtain. It reveals the now almost bright beginnings of sunrise. The sky is painted in deep pink and oranges and yellows. It’s absolutely breathtaking. I watch the morning light glimmer off rooftops and reflect off every shiny surface in sight. I squint my eyes as my pupils adjust to the level of light my eyes are soaking in. Brian settles his chin on my shoulder and for a moment we both just stare at the simplicity and complexity and sheer beauty of sunrise.

He rubs my hips lightly with his hands, which allows me to refocus on the matter at hand. I hear him flip the lid on the lube and then wait, breath held, for him to spread it on. My cheeks part and his finger slowly works inside. The cool gel makes me jump a little and giggle a tiny bit. Then I settle back onto the feeling of his finger inside of me. Then he adds a second and I let out a small moan. I push my hips back onto his hand, attempting to derive more pleasure from this foreplay.


	2. Bitter Sweet

He laughs a little into my shoulder at the action, but allows his fingers to slide deeper into me. I purr with satisfaction and start moving my hips to ride his hand a little. Then he shifts his fingers and arches them to hit my prostate in just the right spot. Brian knows every inch of my body, inside and out, and knows exactly what to do to make me scream. “Oh fuck,” I say abruptly as his fingers hit the sweet spot. He grips my left shoulder and starts to use his hand to move me back and forth over his hand. I gasp and lean forward a little, my dick sticking out prominently in front of me. My legs are shaking a little now and it is getting harder to stand. Finally I have to lean over and brace myself by putting my hands on my knees.

Brian hands leave me then and I whimper in disapproval. I hear the condom wrapper rip open and grin at what is about to come. Taking my shoulders into his hands he stands me up straight in front of him. I stagger back a little, having gotten too close to the window and nearly smacked my dripping cock into the cold glass. I grip the window’s ledge as Brian slides into me. I let out a deep, “Uhhhh…” as my hole opens to let him in.

Rising and falling behind me with long, languid, deep strokes I can tell he wants this to last a while. I stare out the window as the sun comes further into the horizon. I can almost see the entire thing now. The skies colors are getting a little less intense and disseminating across a wider area. I think back to the few other times Brian’s woken me up to do this. It makes me smile and feel warm to know this is something he secretly likes. But I immediately feel sad knowing he wants to share things like this with me, but there is so much else he keeps to himself.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” His words are the first either of us have spoken. I know he’s referring to the sunrise, the way the burnt orange sun is piercing the pale blue sky and creating a natural work of art, that is every changing, before our eyes, but I wish he were talking about the sex. It is beautiful. Although I know he doesn’t see it that way. And I so badly wish he would. I rarely hear him refer to sex as anything besides fucking, and never making love. But, shouldn’t that be what we are doing? Isn’t that what we are doing? I feel like it is, I wish it was. But, once again, Brian and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to matters of the heart.

“Ah, god…” I let the noises tumble from deep inside me when he shifts his weight beneath me and his dick starts to graze new spots deep within me. His hands roam my body, taking a full account of what every inch of my skin feels like this morning. He sucks at my neck, leaving his mark. He holds my hips tight and pumps hard for a few moments. I roll up onto the balls of my feet and try to hold on tighter to the windowsill in front of me. Then my dick hits the glass, something I’d been working hard to avoid, the pulsing purple tip leaves a trail of cum on the slick glass as I quickly pull away. Brian pulls me back into him, seeing what I’ve done and hearing me as I scream out, “FUCK!” We both laugh as his hand slides around to take my dick into it. “I’ll protect you,” he whispers in my ear. I wish he could.

Matching they rhythm of his hand to the rhythm of his dick we start the final dance. We are both getting close and our breathing is labored, our heart rates are up. I roll my head back into the curve of his neck, my body is settled on top of his dick. I am on my tiptoes so that he doesn’t have to bend as much beneath me. My legs shake, and so do his. I run my hands up behind me to cup the back of his neck. I turn my head sideways so that my lips will meet his. He takes them into this mouth in a deep, long kiss. His right hand pumps my cock and his left closes around me, holding me close to him. He barely moves out of me, it is difficult from this position. Each thrust is short and hard and just seems to push him deeper and deeper into me.

He takes his lips away and starts to bite down on my neck. It hurts a little, but I like the feeling of his teeth leaving marks in me. Getting so close I can hardly stand it I drop my feet down and practically impale myself on him. He moans, loudly. With a few last hard, quick strokes he has me coming all over the place. I bend forward and his body follows. Hand clamped tightly around my waist, he wants his dick in me deep as he rides out the orgasm. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…,” he mutters as I let inaudible noises spill from deep inside me. My hips jerk forcefully toward the window and I put my hand out to steady myself. My eyes raise to the glass again as I see the sun is completely up. The day is bright and new and beautiful. Brian starts to come inside of me. I’m bent over and his body bends over top of me. He lays his head against my back and keeps me close as his body jerks him through every last wave of his orgasm.

He is still for a moment and then begins to stand. I move my body back with his. He wraps his long arms around my shoulders and locks me to him. We stare out the window together again. I wonder what could be going through his mind. I feel him pull his cock all the way out of me. He kisses my cheekbone gently. “Morning Sunshine.” He says it with a dose of sarcasm in his voice that makes me smile. He unfolds his arms then and releases me. Smacking me in the ass he adds, “I think it’s time for a shower.” I nod and turn, immediately taken back to the last shower I took. Scrubbing hard over every inch of skin, washing away sin. It didn’t work though, I can still feel the guilt lying thick like soap scum all over me. Somehow I doubt this shower will wash it away either.


End file.
